Gears of Life and Fate

The more you realize about life and fate, the more you realize that it works in it’s own way. One moment you think that you’re in control, the next you understand that control is an illusion and that so much more exists in this world than you’ve ever been taught.



In my last article about family constellation I explained the process and mechanisms of this form of therapy, but what I didn’t know back then was what a huge impact it can actually have on the ones who are already deceased.



I know it because I was part of it. And I – as some form of medium or psychic – was the one who led a decedent into light and peace after he had committed suicide.



So let’s start right at the beginning. 



About a week and a half ago I came across an ad on eBay when I was looking for secondhand furniture. It popped up and I immediately texted the initiator – and googled him beforehand to make sure that it wasn’t a scam. “Family constellation for 5 to 10 bucks per session.” These sessions are usually between 100 and 300 bucks.



I was skeptical at first, but since it was taking part in an evangelical parish house, me and my friend weren’t afraid to go there. 



It was one week after I had responded to the ad that the group meeting was happening. The building was next to a beautiful old church in a wealthy neighborhood, rimmed by beautiful flowers and giant old trees. The group leader, a retired teacher, opened the door and more and more people were rolling along. At first we felt like we were in a knitting circle. The leader, his wife and some other grannies didn’t appear to be spiritual at all. One woman was in psychological treatment and didn’t seem like she was able to get help at all – she needed her disorder to feel. However, the other participants were younger and sending open and positive vibes.



After everyone had spoke about the impact of the last session on their life and what they expected of today’s – the first family constellation was set. A woman in her mid fifties told us about her stepdad having left a suicide note at her mom’s house a week ago. He hadn’t taken anything with him, but the clothes that he wore, riding on his bicycle into the woods where he hadn’t been found yet. The police assumed that he committed suicide and wouldn’t be found alive. Her mom told her that her only last hope was that he’d be found before there’d be only bones left of him. She wanted to have a real funeral, with his whole body lying in the coffin.



The woman told us she never had a real relationship with her stepdad. He moved in 35 years ago when she had already moved to a different city to live her life as a young adult. The relationship with her mom wasn’t good either, it was “neutral” whatever that means – they phoned once in a while and didn’t see each other often.




She didn’t know what to feel about her stepdad missing and what to think about his suicide.  She didn’t know what she felt, but she felt something. A burden.




The leader asked her to choose a person to represent herself and her stepdad – she chose my friend, an open man in his mid forties. They were both lined up in the middle of the wide chair circle, my friend and the man both being connected to the collective consciousness. She wanted to look into his eyes, but he would always walk behind her not letting her see his face. There was a big question mark in his mind, but he didn’t want her to feel responsible for him. There was no guilt on her, he said, it was only a thing between him and her mother.




Now the woman was asked to choose a person as her mother and she did. I thought that I would be chosen, because I was emotionally attached to the story. I felt like I was supposed to be in it, being the mom. 




The step dad looked away from the mom, who looked right at him and the daughter looked at the back of her stepdad’s head since he still didn’t let her see his face. Books were brought and the parents were taking them to represent the guilt or responsibility they were carrying, taking it from their daughter’s shoulders. The daughter was asked to sit down since it was about the step dad and the mom now. There was still the question mark in his mind – typical for the ones who committed suicide and felt lost, disconnected from past and future.




I don’t remember exactly what was between them, but it couldn’t be solved. They were both carrying big stacks of books and therefore guilt.




During that time the need of being lined up with the stepdad was growing stronger and stronger in me. I didn’t only have tears in my eyes, my arm was shaking and my whole body had a desire to move there. I hadn’t been asked to line up, but from my past family constellation I knew that neither the group leader nor the person who got a family constellation always knew who needed to be lined up since they can’t “know” the whole story. So I was “allowed” to enter the situation according to the laws of family constellation. The collective consciousness knows the whole story and so did my mind and body.




I stood up, moving to him – my son as I had just realized. I was acting the mom of the deceased stepdad. I was her medium and it was a more than intense experience.



My body was shaking, I put my hands on his shoulders, while he was still looking to his wife. I was asked who I was, I said that I didn’t know. I was asked again: “I am your mother” I said to my son. I hugged him as tears were running down our faces. My nose was also running from all of the crying. But this was not the time for vanity and therefore blowing my nose.



I don’t remember all of what happened, some of it was in words, more of it was in movements and gestures, and even more of it was in simply feeling.



You won’t completely understand it until you have experienced it yourself. There was so much going on, happening between me and him – the stepdad and his mother.



I remember that the step dad was asked to turn around to look into my eyes, but he wouldn’t. My body was shaking, I was falling on my knees, head to the ground right behind him. Now he turned around and I looked up to him. He wouldn’t look into my eyes and as I stood up, looking into his face, I told him that I was his mother and that he could let go now.



It was a process in which he struggled. He told me that I had never been there for him, I had never been there! “You are right, I was never there for you, I was never there! But now I am. Now I am.” He would still not look into my eyes.



I sat down on a chair and then he came to me, looking at me, my eyes were turned to the floor. He was asked to put his guilt on me and even though I struggled with it I had to take it. I put some of the guilt (the books) far away on a different chair – it wasn’t my guilt, but my ancestors’. I put the rest of it in front of me. Now it was me who couldn’t look into his eyes, but he tried to look into mine. After saying a few words that I don’t remember, I looked into his eyes. He walked away and I stood up and walked to him. Then we hugged and sat down next to each other. After more words, more gestures and movements were exchanged, it resulted in more feelings and more relief.



Finally after all of the pain and hardcore emotions, we just sat there, right next to each other. I being happy and relieved. He was happy and relieved. Both of us felt peace as we looked to the windows. We weren’t there anymore, but in heaven. A mother and her child.



The woman acting as his wife felt immediate relief when we found our peace and could put her feeling of guilt away. Her daughter, my friend who was the representative and the actual daughter – felt it, too. The burden was gone.



It was hard for me to be completely myself afterwards, the mom was still with me even after doing a little ritual. I finally became completely myself again, no longer having that weird pulsating feeling in my body anymore. When I left the room after the session I left her there, in heaven.



It was an incredible feeling being with a decedent who had committed suicide a week ago, helping him to get rid of the question mark in his mind, and helping him to see the light and take the step into it, solving the pain of the past, being in peace with himself and me as his mother. I helped him and the family.



I’m hypersensitive, I feel a lot, and therefore I was more than a representative in this family constellation – I was a medium, a psychic. I never expected to having that gift. But I did it, I was her, the mother, my body wasn’t under my control anymore nor were my feelings. I was still myself in some parts, but not completely. It was incredible and intense. I am thankful for this experience and for helping someone in a very unexpected way.



My friend told me afterwards that the woman had told her during the session that she had totally forgotten about the role of her step dad’s mother in his life, but she just remembered how difficult his childhood had been from what her mom had told her. She cried when watching us in the constellation.



Her actual mom is expected to feel a big relief now, too, without having been there that night. The collective consciousness. Life and fate.

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