Let me first say, this has been a tough week. It’s been one of those awful kind of weeks, where you wonder who you were in a past life to have such bad karma now. On top of all that, I am starting to feel what I like to call English sick. I want to speak silly American English and not question if I am being understood. It’s no fun to tell punny jokes when people don’t get it, it’s just not. I am also starting to crave, of all things, Starbucks. Mmmm, even the thought of a grande sugar free vanilla chai tea latte has got my mouth watering. Please don’t tell the Italians, they will laugh me out of the country. But most significantly, I am starting to feel the sharp tinge of pain from my unhealthy relationship with Future.
Future and I are really not getting along. At first I thought we could be friends, but I am starting to think otherwise. In fact, he has shoved a wedge in between Present and I, and it’s really taking a toll on our relationship. Normally I can spend all day alone with Present and never be bothered, I’ll hardly even think of Future. That is part of the reason why I love to travel so much, Present and I get a lot of alone time. We will sit together for hours, mostly in silence, doing whatever we feel like at the moment. The other night we did yoga for an hour, just because we could. Present understands me. He supports me, and believes in me. He is always there, silently smiling and loving me, always.
But Future, he really knows how to get me riled up. One second I am ecstatic to see him and the next he leaves me hopeless and forlorn. I’ll demand to him, “I’ve worked so hard, done so much, can’t you give me this one thing? Just this once?” Yet, he never can seem to give me what I want. And even when he does, my happiness is brief. It’s never long before I am again asking for the next thing. Looking forward to the next desire. But Future is greedy, and I know this so I stress. We fight (I yell and he mockingly listens) until I am blue in the face.
Then, Present being ever faithful, takes me back in his loving embrace. He always forgives me for running back to Future, he understands how hard it is to let go. Lovingly, he gives the advice any good friend would give, “Screw him, you don’t need his shit!” and always I nod in agreement.
When I first started seeing Present regularly I was scared of him. Scared of his silence and wisdom. He has this way of believing in the universe and accepting things that I was unfamiliar with. There were moments in the beginning when I would beg him to speak to me, give me an answer, and tell me what to do. Like any loving girl, I just wanted him to take control more, have an opinion! But Present knew me so well, even from the beginning. Instead of answers, he would just tell me to keep listening. Keep looking internally instead of externally, and just listen. My mouth practically never stops moving, so the thought of being with someone who just wanted me to “listen instead of speak” was unbearable. Yet, I was drawn to Present, lured by his comforting nature and loving spirit, so I stayed.
So, I am sitting here on this rock, listening to an argument between the waves and the shore, watching the birds dance in the sky, and slowly saying goodnight to the sun. I’m back with Present, more in love and thankful for his silent guidance than I have ever been. I realized today while listening to him that I hope everyone finds someone like Present. Always stable, always comforting, and always listening.
I ask, “What’s next?” Patiently he whispers, “Just listen.”